dearorlando (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dearorlando) wrote2007-06-18 11:51 pm
dearorlando) wrote2007-06-18 11:51 pm
Bollocks
Dear Orlando,
I heard that Viggo's next movie is pretty out there, as in, VIGGO is pretty out there. Somebody even posted the phrase “massive, hairy” in their early review on the internet.
Do you think you could find out for us? Is it true that V goes naked in 'Eastern Promises'?
Signed,
Keeping My Eye On The Ball(s)
Dear Eyeball(s),
WHAT?
*fuck!*
Uhm....
You absobloodylutely shouldn’t believe things you see on the internets. I have to tell my mum that all the time. I mean, I know it says I’m the most googled person on there, after Paris Hilton that is, but it really IS my mum’s fault that’s happening!
You see, mate, there are stories out there about things that never happened, and pictures where people have cut YOUR blitherin’ parts off and pasted them on some OTHER blokes body, and sometimes you’re DOING things you’d prolly NEVER DO in front of a camera... at least not anything that you’d want your mum to find while she’s typing around all over the place. There’s cameraphones EVERYWHERE, man! Maybe you might do them in a Toronto hotel room, if you snuck up the service lift, but dead cert not in the sand on the beach. You can’t even take a piss against a rock out on the beach without some bastard selling THAT to a tabloid. Or maybe in the shower stall of your mobile dressing trailer, but for sure not behind some tree out in the woods while on location! Not in the daylight, anyway... maybe if you got lost wandering around through the forest at night you could, ‘cause you can’t even bloody SEE using a camera flash for a torch, much less photograph anything besides a bunch of lines waving around all over the film. Not much good in that, is there?
Uhm.....Where was I?
Oh, yeah.
Bollocks.
So, what I’m getting on about is that sometimes what you see sod all ISN’T what you really get. I’m sure if some bloke thinks he saw Vi— Mr. Mortensen’s naughty bits on the big screen, they’re just CG’d in. I mean, the cave troll in Rings was pretty big and scary, and he was all CG. They even CG’d my legs when I had them up on his shoulders—
The cave troll’s shoulders, you perverts, not Vi—Mr. Mortensen’s!
Y’know, those computer guys are awesomely talented. I’ll bet they CG’d some nads for the cave troll too, and then had to cover them up with that little loincloth thing so they could get past the MPAA and keep the PG-13 rating. Whoever heard of cave trolls wearing a blitherin’ thong, eh?
Besides, Vi— Mr. Mortensen’s bits aren’t massive. Hairy? Okay, maybe, but they’re not really any bigger than my....
Wait— What the fuck am I sayin’? I swear, I have no bloody idea what Vig— Mr. Mortensen’s bollocks look like. I mean, we’ve shared a dressing room before, and everybody knows he’s not an inhibited sort of bloke. He’s stripped off his kit before in lots of movies, like Psycho and Walk on the Moon and Indian Runner.
Oh, yeah. Bloody Hell Yeah. Indian Runner.
I guess you’ll just have to buy a bloody ticket and go see for yourself.
Robin, I’m sorry....
I heard that Viggo's next movie is pretty out there, as in, VIGGO is pretty out there. Somebody even posted the phrase “massive, hairy” in their early review on the internet.
Do you think you could find out for us? Is it true that V goes naked in 'Eastern Promises'?
Signed,
Keeping My Eye On The Ball(s)
Dear Eyeball(s),
WHAT?
*fuck!*
Uhm....
You absobloodylutely shouldn’t believe things you see on the internets. I have to tell my mum that all the time. I mean, I know it says I’m the most googled person on there, after Paris Hilton that is, but it really IS my mum’s fault that’s happening!
You see, mate, there are stories out there about things that never happened, and pictures where people have cut YOUR blitherin’ parts off and pasted them on some OTHER blokes body, and sometimes you’re DOING things you’d prolly NEVER DO in front of a camera... at least not anything that you’d want your mum to find while she’s typing around all over the place. There’s cameraphones EVERYWHERE, man! Maybe you might do them in a Toronto hotel room, if you snuck up the service lift, but dead cert not in the sand on the beach. You can’t even take a piss against a rock out on the beach without some bastard selling THAT to a tabloid. Or maybe in the shower stall of your mobile dressing trailer, but for sure not behind some tree out in the woods while on location! Not in the daylight, anyway... maybe if you got lost wandering around through the forest at night you could, ‘cause you can’t even bloody SEE using a camera flash for a torch, much less photograph anything besides a bunch of lines waving around all over the film. Not much good in that, is there?
Uhm.....Where was I?
Oh, yeah.
Bollocks.
So, what I’m getting on about is that sometimes what you see sod all ISN’T what you really get. I’m sure if some bloke thinks he saw Vi— Mr. Mortensen’s naughty bits on the big screen, they’re just CG’d in. I mean, the cave troll in Rings was pretty big and scary, and he was all CG. They even CG’d my legs when I had them up on his shoulders—
The cave troll’s shoulders, you perverts, not Vi—Mr. Mortensen’s!
Y’know, those computer guys are awesomely talented. I’ll bet they CG’d some nads for the cave troll too, and then had to cover them up with that little loincloth thing so they could get past the MPAA and keep the PG-13 rating. Whoever heard of cave trolls wearing a blitherin’ thong, eh?
Besides, Vi— Mr. Mortensen’s bits aren’t massive. Hairy? Okay, maybe, but they’re not really any bigger than my....
Wait— What the fuck am I sayin’? I swear, I have no bloody idea what Vig— Mr. Mortensen’s bollocks look like. I mean, we’ve shared a dressing room before, and everybody knows he’s not an inhibited sort of bloke. He’s stripped off his kit before in lots of movies, like Psycho and Walk on the Moon and Indian Runner.
Oh, yeah. Bloody Hell Yeah. Indian Runner.
I guess you’ll just have to buy a bloody ticket and go see for yourself.
Robin, I’m sorry....
no subject
but orli, is it really, really awful that this is something i really want to believe?...
Toronto? forests? *sighs dreamily with teh luv*
that's a very good point you make about cave troll nads.
whoa. that is definitely a sentence i never imagined myself typing. ever.
*covers robin's ears and hands her her blood pressure pills*
no subject
Uhm.... believe what, exactly?
Close your eyes and click your ruby-slippered heels together, luv, and I'll sprinkle some fairy dust over ya....
Cave troll nads. Ahahaha. Now that you mention it...me either.
no subject
oh, just that viggo is showing off his beauty to the world. i do think the man is breathtaking and can't help myself, wouldn't mind seeing all of him that he wants to show. :)
i love fairy dust! and fairies!
except tinkerbell. i used to have bad dreams when i had he flu, as a kid, where tinkerbell would get crushed by the jolly green giant, over and over, his big giant foot stepping on her. i always tried to warn her but my voice never worked and it was awful. so i still don't like to see tinkerbell.
know any good therapists?
no subject
Bloody awful dream, luv! Haven't needed a therapist myself, not so far anyway, but I'll bet my ex- has a list....