Bollocks

[dearorlando]

Dear Orlando,

I heard that Viggo's next movie is pretty out there, as in, VIGGO is pretty out there. Somebody even posted the phrase “massive, hairy” in their early review on the internet.

Do you think you could find out for us? Is it true that V goes naked in 'Eastern Promises'?

Signed,

Keeping My Eye On The Ball(s)



Dear Eyeball(s),





WHAT?


*fuck!*






Uhm....


You absobloodylutely shouldn’t believe things you see on the internets. I have to tell my mum that all the time. I mean, I know it says I’m the most googled person on there, after Paris Hilton that is, but it really IS my mum’s fault that’s happening!

You see, mate, there are stories out there about things that never happened, and pictures where people have cut YOUR blitherin’ parts off and pasted them on some OTHER blokes body, and sometimes you’re DOING things you’d prolly NEVER DO in front of a camera... at least not anything that you’d want your mum to find while she’s typing around all over the place. There’s cameraphones EVERYWHERE, man! Maybe you might do them in a Toronto hotel room, if you snuck up the service lift, but dead cert not in the sand on the beach. You can’t even take a piss against a rock out on the beach without some bastard selling THAT to a tabloid. Or maybe in the shower stall of your mobile dressing trailer, but for sure not behind some tree out in the woods while on location! Not in the daylight, anyway... maybe if you got lost wandering around through the forest at night you could, ‘cause you can’t even bloody SEE using a camera flash for a torch, much less photograph anything besides a bunch of lines waving around all over the film. Not much good in that, is there?



Uhm.....Where was I?



Oh, yeah.

Bollocks.

So, what I’m getting on about is that sometimes what you see sod all ISN’T what you really get. I’m sure if some bloke thinks he saw Vi— Mr. Mortensen’s naughty bits on the big screen, they’re just CG’d in. I mean, the cave troll in Rings was pretty big and scary, and he was all CG. They even CG’d my legs when I had them up on his shoulders—

The cave troll’s shoulders, you perverts, not Vi—Mr. Mortensen’s!

Y’know, those computer guys are awesomely talented. I’ll bet they CG’d some nads for the cave troll too, and then had to cover them up with that little loincloth thing so they could get past the MPAA and keep the PG-13 rating. Whoever heard of cave trolls wearing a blitherin’ thong, eh?

Besides, Vi— Mr. Mortensen’s bits aren’t massive. Hairy? Okay, maybe, but they’re not really any bigger than my....



Wait— What the fuck am I sayin’? I swear, I have no bloody idea what Vig— Mr. Mortensen’s bollocks look like. I mean, we’ve shared a dressing room before, and everybody knows he’s not an inhibited sort of bloke. He’s stripped off his kit before in lots of movies, like Psycho and Walk on the Moon and Indian Runner.



Oh, yeah. Bloody Hell Yeah. Indian Runner.




I guess you’ll just have to buy a bloody ticket and go see for yourself.






Robin, I’m sorry....

Comments

[stormatdusk.livejournal.com]

absobloodylutely shouldn’t believe things you see on the internets
but orli, is it really, really awful that this is something i really want to believe?...

Toronto? forests? *sighs dreamily with teh luv*

that's a very good point you make about cave troll nads.

whoa. that is definitely a sentence i never imagined myself typing. ever.

*covers robin's ears and hands her her blood pressure pills*

[dearorlando.livejournal.com]

You really want to believe that?

Uhm.... believe what, exactly?

Close your eyes and click your ruby-slippered heels together, luv, and I'll sprinkle some fairy dust over ya....

Cave troll nads. Ahahaha. Now that you mention it...me either.

[stormatdusk.livejournal.com]

believe what, exactly?

oh, just that viggo is showing off his beauty to the world. i do think the man is breathtaking and can't help myself, wouldn't mind seeing all of him that he wants to show. :)

i love fairy dust! and fairies!

except tinkerbell. i used to have bad dreams when i had he flu, as a kid, where tinkerbell would get crushed by the jolly green giant, over and over, his big giant foot stepping on her. i always tried to warn her but my voice never worked and it was awful. so i still don't like to see tinkerbell.

know any good therapists?

[dearorlando.livejournal.com]

*psst* Perfect Skin.

Bloody awful dream, luv! Haven't needed a therapist myself, not so far anyway, but I'll bet my ex- has a list....

[admirabile.livejournal.com]

They even CG’d my legs when I had them up on his shoulders—

The cave troll’s shoulders, you perverts, not Vi—Mr. Mortensen’s!

That's right. Because that was the real thing when they were up on Viggo's shoulders. :-)


Besides, Vi— Mr. Mortensen’s bits aren’t massive.

Good thing for you, huh? Not too big, not too small, just right?


I guess you’ll just have to buy a bloody ticket and go see for yourself.

There's another ticket I'm interested in.... Maybe you can help get me one of those?

[dearorlando.livejournal.com]

1. There are no bloody pictures to prove any of that.

2. You must have mistaken me with Elijah, who is The True Size Queen.

3. Nope.

[koulagirl666.livejournal.com]

People really shouldn't torture you with such horribly loaded questions as this one. How rude of them!

[dearorlando.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking I might need to get loaded before I answer these things! Maybe I should've just said yes or no instead?

[koulagirl666.livejournal.com]

Perhaps you do need to do that. :o|

If you said something definite people would get upset because of spoilers and whatnot, and besides, you have keep some secrets for yourself, ya?

[roomfor2.livejournal.com]

You should tell Viggo that a little trim down there makes the little guy look much bigger ;-)
Not that it sounds like he has a problem in that dept. And anyway, it's not the size, it's what you do with it that matters and it sounds like you like what he does with it XD

[dearorlando.livejournal.com]

Vi--Mr. Mortensen's a method actor. No doubt he's done the research, and his character isn't the kind of bloke who'd trim. Otherwise, I'm sure he woulda trimmmed already if that's what it takes.

It's like your bow...it doesn't matter whose is longer, it's how true you shoot that counts. Yeah?

He always did have bow envy.

[liriel1810.livejournal.com]

Besides, Vi— Mr. Mortensen’s bits aren’t massive. Hairy? Okay, maybe, but they’re not really any bigger than my....

Now, whatever were you going to say there, Dear Orlando... mouth? *giggle* Sorry, I have permanent residency in the gutter. It's a lovely place.

I totally agree that they can CG in someone else's body parts if they want... but why would they fucking bother when they know Vig's not averse to getting his gear off for a movie?

I will buy a bloody ticket and see for myself... and I'll buy the dvd when it comes out too!

D'you think you'll ever do a nude scene for a movie? (Troy does NOT fucking count, we couldn't see a bloody thing!)

[tularia.livejournal.com]

"(Troy does NOT fucking count, we couldn't see a bloody thing!)"

Amen to that! We were ROBBED I tell ya!

[dearorlando.livejournal.com]

If you want your money back, I think Mr. Pitt might be the one you need to see. He's the guy who got paid to take his kit off. Millions, man. WAY more than me and Eric. Even more than Mr. O'Toole. He got paid lots to keep his kit ON.

[stormatdusk.livejournal.com]

Mr. O'Toole. He got paid lots to keep his kit ON

*snorfles*

[dearorlando.livejournal.com]

Good thing too, eh? ;-P

[dearorlando.livejournal.com]

Well, mouth certainly fits, yeah?

They'd bother so they can make them BIGGER. *grins*

Me? Nuddy? I dunno, luv. Though from the looks of things here, it might be good for ticket sales.

[liriel1810.livejournal.com]

They'd bother so they can make them BIGGER. *grins*

Oh come on, they can't be THAT small. I saw The Indian Runner. You really think he'd need a size double? (that kinda makes him sound like a hobbit, doesn't it? *giggle*)

Just don't do the nuddy thing in a play. I live in the arse end of the world and I'd have fuck all chance of seeing it! *pout*

[encelade2.livejournal.com]

Indian Runner,it always makes a shock,right.
I had to buy the DVD three times.
First one was worn in a certain scene.
Second one has been confiscated by my Jerry,said it was unhealthy for me,bloody hell,what a guy can know for sure about women health??!?
(I had my revenge,I damaged his car,pretending I couldn't see well through my tears,hi hi!)
Third one is my precious dirty little secret,I watch it when Jerry is out taking care of the car.I've put it in a'Desperate Housewives' box,though.;)

I'm happy to know that Mr.Mortensen and you have equal nice personal stuff,all I have to say is :lucky guys,both of you,and thanks to him to be so generous of himself.You could take example,one of these days,OK?
If you do,I'll give you a huge box of Tim Tam.Promise.Easy,I'll be in London soon,WITHOUT Jerry...*see what I mean?*

Hello to your mum and Robin.I guess one is laughing her guts off and Robin is taking Aspirin and Temesta...

[encelade2.livejournal.com]

PS :Tim Tam balls,of course...
:D

[dearorlando.livejournal.com]

Balls.

Of course.

Yeah.

[dearorlando.livejournal.com]

Three times? Yeah?

Wow.

Smart move, that "Desperate Housewives" box. He'll never look there. ;-P

You'll have to come see me at the theatre when you're in London, yeah? Bring the Tim Tams. Maybe we'll negotiate.

I think, after she reads this, my mum is gonna give me the speech about hanging with nice girls again....

[tularia.livejournal.com]

So tell us, Dear Orlando,

What exactly did his shoulders feel like under your legs...? *wink* (And I don't mean the bloody cave troll!)

[dearorlando.livejournal.com]

Well, his shoulders were big and broad, and really warm where we touched. Soft and smooth, coated with the palest fine hair. He's exquisitely sensitive to pressure there, so I could get him to move either left or right, or faster or slower just by changing the way I squeezed with my thighs. When we were pounding along, we'd both get sweaty, and sometimes I'd slip and lose my grip a bit. The feel of his muscles rippling under the skin left me with the most awesome sense of power, being able to control all that with just a flick of my tongue.

Yeah, Percy was about the finest horse down under. I was bloody lucky to have him.

[stormatdusk.livejournal.com]

you are rather brill, orlando dear. you know this, yeah?

[dearorlando.livejournal.com]

Just answering the questions, luv. *wink*

[encelade2.livejournal.com]

*nods in awe*

You're a rider,a real one,only a rider can feel-and make feel-such strong sensations of bareback riding...
You definitely deserve the best studs!
Go you.

[tularia.livejournal.com]

Your nickname should really be Sly, not Orli... *G*

[rainweaver13.livejournal.com]

Cave troll nads. Heh.

You make me smile.

[dearorlando.livejournal.com]

Made you go look too, didn't I?

*giggles*

*blushes*

[dearorlando.livejournal.com]

He's always making some sort of remark, isn't he? "My bow is bigger, my sword is broader, it's all in the arrows...."

It's enough to make a bloke cry, I tell ya.

[eenoogje.livejournal.com]

I am just so glad you've answered all the questions. I wondered about Viggo's bits too honestly.

And also, there is a rumor that you are going to be naked on stage (http://www.snarkygossip.com/2007/05/25/orlando-bloom-is-finally-going-to-get-naked-for-us/). Have you read that?

[dearorlando.livejournal.com]

Did I answer them? I thought maybe I just should've rung him up and asked yes or no.

Wow. Me. Naked on stage. The queue will be wrapped round the building and down to the park if this keeps up. Won't have to worry about vacant seats, will we??? *grins*

[andatariel.livejournal.com]

Maybe you might do them in a Toronto hotel room, if you snuck up the service lift, but dead cert not in the sand on the beach.
Yeah, cos that sand gets in everywhere, doesn't it?

Oh, yeah. Bloody Hell Yeah. Indian Runner.
I second that sentiment...

[dearorlando.livejournal.com]

Fuck the sand...it's those little tiny bits of broken shells that'll do you in, mate!

[oceansnset.livejournal.com]

Poor thing, don't you just hate those tricky questions?
You're right, Viggo gets naked any chance he can. In fact, it's a miracle he kept his clothes on filming "Rings".
It's ok that you may have seen his bits when you were filming together. After all, you were sharing a trailer it's natural that you might see each other naked.

Now if your mom or Robin reads this they will know that we totally understand.

[dearorlando.livejournal.com]

Oh, he got nuddy on "Rings" too. I think that's on the blooper reel or something.

Or was that me?

Oh, bloody hell....I can't remember.

[tiinuli101.livejournal.com]

LMAO! Absobloodylutely brilliant! And they really aren't too hairy at all are they Orlando:D?