Jun. 18th, 2007 11:51 pm
dearorlando: (bashful DO)
[personal profile] dearorlando
Dear Orlando,

I heard that Viggo's next movie is pretty out there, as in, VIGGO is pretty out there. Somebody even posted the phrase “massive, hairy” in their early review on the internet.

Do you think you could find out for us? Is it true that V goes naked in 'Eastern Promises'?


Keeping My Eye On The Ball(s)

Dear Eyeball(s),




You absobloodylutely shouldn’t believe things you see on the internets. I have to tell my mum that all the time. I mean, I know it says I’m the most googled person on there, after Paris Hilton that is, but it really IS my mum’s fault that’s happening!

You see, mate, there are stories out there about things that never happened, and pictures where people have cut YOUR blitherin’ parts off and pasted them on some OTHER blokes body, and sometimes you’re DOING things you’d prolly NEVER DO in front of a camera... at least not anything that you’d want your mum to find while she’s typing around all over the place. There’s cameraphones EVERYWHERE, man! Maybe you might do them in a Toronto hotel room, if you snuck up the service lift, but dead cert not in the sand on the beach. You can’t even take a piss against a rock out on the beach without some bastard selling THAT to a tabloid. Or maybe in the shower stall of your mobile dressing trailer, but for sure not behind some tree out in the woods while on location! Not in the daylight, anyway... maybe if you got lost wandering around through the forest at night you could, ‘cause you can’t even bloody SEE using a camera flash for a torch, much less photograph anything besides a bunch of lines waving around all over the film. Not much good in that, is there?

Uhm.....Where was I?

Oh, yeah.


So, what I’m getting on about is that sometimes what you see sod all ISN’T what you really get. I’m sure if some bloke thinks he saw Vi— Mr. Mortensen’s naughty bits on the big screen, they’re just CG’d in. I mean, the cave troll in Rings was pretty big and scary, and he was all CG. They even CG’d my legs when I had them up on his shoulders—

The cave troll’s shoulders, you perverts, not Vi—Mr. Mortensen’s!

Y’know, those computer guys are awesomely talented. I’ll bet they CG’d some nads for the cave troll too, and then had to cover them up with that little loincloth thing so they could get past the MPAA and keep the PG-13 rating. Whoever heard of cave trolls wearing a blitherin’ thong, eh?

Besides, Vi— Mr. Mortensen’s bits aren’t massive. Hairy? Okay, maybe, but they’re not really any bigger than my....

Wait— What the fuck am I sayin’? I swear, I have no bloody idea what Vig— Mr. Mortensen’s bollocks look like. I mean, we’ve shared a dressing room before, and everybody knows he’s not an inhibited sort of bloke. He’s stripped off his kit before in lots of movies, like Psycho and Walk on the Moon and Indian Runner.

Oh, yeah. Bloody Hell Yeah. Indian Runner.

I guess you’ll just have to buy a bloody ticket and go see for yourself.

Robin, I’m sorry....
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