Mar. 22nd, 2007

dearorlando: (Default)
I have no friends.

I clicked on the colored word "friends", and a box popped up that said, "We're sorry! You have no friends! Surely a person like you has friends out there somewhere?"

Well, obviously NOT ME.

How bloody cringeworthy is that?

Hullo!

Mar. 22nd, 2007 10:03 pm
dearorlando: (Default)

Hullo!
 
Welcome to my new advice column! You know, like those Americans and Dear Abby? Well, here you’ve got Dear Me!

I’m new at this livejournal thing, so be gentle with me, yeah? It took me three bloody hours to type this up in the little posting box— and I stole my little picture thing-- whassat called? oh yeah, my ICON--from somebody, but I don’t remember the name. Bloody sorry about that, mate. . . .

Anyway.

I got my first brilliant question from a friend of a friend of a friend at the pub last night. They wanted to know more about the charity I work with, Global Green, and how ordinary everyday blokes like you and me can save energy every day so we don’t waste our planet!

So, here we go:


Dear
Orlando

I’ve read that part of the Global Green response to global warming is to unplug our cell phone chargers when we’re not using them. I’ve also heard those new squiggly light bulbs can save a lot of energy. Is that true?

 ~~In The Dark
 

Yeah, those light bulbs are absobloodylutely awesome! Did you know you can save enough energy using those light bulbs to power a lava lamp for almost a year?

Ahahaha. Sorry, luv. Just a little dig there at my best mate.

Anyway, global warming is a really bloody big threat to the planet right now. Messing with the planet is a stupid thing to do. The weather just gets hotter and hotter, the ice burgs start melting, and soon the water’s rising up on Charlize’s deck, and then how the hell am I gonna get down to the beach to surf, when there’s no bloody beach?

See, using those squiggly light bulbs is gonna save a LOT of money. A LOT. Millions, even. So nobody’s beach house with the brilliant solar panels on the roof gets pounded over, y’know?

And you can save a lot of energy unplugging your cell phone charger too. Plus, it’ll keep you from getting jolted when you’re making out in the kitchen, and your b — your mate decides that setting your nuddy arse up on the countertop is quite a grand idea, and you get dropped right on the bare end of the thing— I mean, your bare end on the end of the charger and all. Ouch. That hur— I mean, that’d hurt!

Of course, if the phone’s not charged up enough, it sure as hell messes up a blindin’ good afternoon session of phone sex, y’know what I mean? Things are just heating up, you’re getting smashingly short of breath, and that damned beeping is fucking up your rhythm every ten seconds! So you block the sucker out— the beep, I mean— and just when you feel that rush and his— it’s his, right?— voice is all gravely and rough and he’s mumbling your name and panting and grunting, you get the BEEPBEEPBEEP and YOU’RE FUCKIN’ CUT OFF!

And then you might as well go take a cold shower and then turn off the squiggly light bulbs and get some damned sleep.

Yeah, THAT'LL save a LOT of energy, right?

 

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dearorlando

June 2008

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