dearorlando: (Default)
[personal profile] dearorlando
This week's question asks for a bit of dating advice....


Dear Orlando,

I've been seeing this girl for a few weeks now. She's smart and beautiful and I really like her. Last night, we decided to get busy for the first time, and lo and behold, she isn't. A she. She isn't a she. Needless to say, when I saw it, I got dressed and high-tailed it out of her apartment.

Today I'm wondering if I made a mistake. Like I said, I really do like her. Him. Whatever.

What should I do?

Signed,
Cock-Shocked in Birmingham



Dear Shocked,

If you like her a lot, does it really make a difference?

It’s like playing a sport. You can get all hung up on the equipment, and never get around to enjoying the GAME. Say you’re up for a game of footy, but you haven’t got an onion bag for the goal. Have you ever seen that stop a fistful of blokes from passing the ball back and forth and taking a few headers? There’s still a lot of fun involved, what with all the juggling and opportunities to nutmeg your opponent. And who needs stripes anyway? I think it’d be brilliant to play in shirts and skins all the time. Forget the bloody pinafores. Some guys don’t even need a soccer ball! They’ll play with hacky-sacs and pinecones, and one time I saw Bean roll up a pair of his underkecks and stuff them inside a dirty sock—

Ewww.

Anyway, what I was tryin’ to say is that you gotta get back in the saddle and land the plane, man.

First of all, you gotta turn with the ball. Get used to the idea that your girl has some special equipment. She’ll be mighty happy if you do. Things that work for you will work for her too, and you won’t have the added penalties that come when you don’t know all the laws.

Step Two: Call her. Don’t wait for the two day allowance. Ring her up right now and try for an Oscar by blaming your jailbreak on the spinach in your salad at supper. Beg off that you had to place an emergency call on the Big White Tele, or that you have really good hearing like a Standard Poodle and you heard your mum yelling for you to come get the laundry you left in her dryer.

If she won’t see you, proceed to Step Three anyway. Just use more discretion.

Step Three consists of showing up at the door with her favorite flowers, a big box of Godiva chocolates, and most importantly, the Money Move: a shiny new pair of open toed Dior patent leather pumps in just her size. Be prepared to duck in case you end up collecting one of the pumps in the chest. On second thought, maybe Armani cork wedges would be less likely to leave a permanent scar. Get those instead.

Oh, and yeah, if you’re computer’s hooked up, look to see if there are any autographed pictures of Johnny Depp too. I mean, it can’t hurt, right? And if you hold his ugly mug in front of your face, she’s less likely to make a DFK at your blitherin’ head, y’know?

If the gifts work like I think they will, it’ll be time for a bit of kiss and make up. Keep the clothes on for now, especially the pumps. Just be sure to leave Mr. Scissors-for-hands face-down on the table. Neither one of you blokes needs the distraction. I mean, your bird doesn’t need the decoy run —

Oh, fuck. Nevermind.

Take it slow. Take it easy. Don’t push to penetrate, or you’ll be dicked. It’s a Round Robin tournament here, mate, and you’ll need to be playing some Samba Soccer to make up for being the complete tosser you were last night. Remember, the coach is right when he says, “You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” Just make sure your set-up’s a good offense, so your boygirl won’t go on the strong defense.

Good luck, mate. Don’t come off your man, eh? Like you said before, she’s smart and beautiful and you really like her, and that’s what counts. Keep your eye on the balls, and soon you’ll be back playing forward position!

Date: 2007-05-17 04:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tularia.livejournal.com
Sound advice.
You're quite the intellectual!

Date: 2007-05-19 01:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Awwwww, thank you, luv!

Date: 2007-05-17 04:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] surreysmum.livejournal.com
Just be sure to leave Mr. Scissors-for-hands face-down on the table. LOL, Orlando - must be hell to have to spend so much promo time in his company! :-)

Date: 2007-05-19 01:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
You absobloodylutely don't know the half of it, luv. The only bloody thing worse is spending promo time with Kiera. ;-D

Date: 2007-05-17 06:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] illuminated-sin.livejournal.com
LOL! That's such awesomely great advice, Orlando. I knew you were the type to care more about your partner than about their "plumbing." ;)

Date: 2007-05-19 01:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
It's what's in your head, and your heart, that matters. Hospitalier said something like that in Kingdom of Heaven. He'd be pleased I remembered. :-D

Date: 2007-05-17 10:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] doylebaby.livejournal.com
Great advice, the bloke can't go wrong there - but Orlando, did you know that jewellery works mighty fine too?

Date: 2007-05-19 01:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Doyle, baby.....

Have you SEEN THOSE PUMPS?????

Miss-Dior-Peep-Toe-Pump (http://www.thisnext.com/item/CDE94F88/Miss-Dior-Peep-Toe-Pump)

Date: 2007-05-17 11:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] andatariel.livejournal.com
a shiny new pair of open toed Dior patent leather pumps in just her size. Be prepared to duck in case you end up collecting one of the pumps in the chest. On second thought, maybe Armani cork wedges would be less likely to leave a permanent scar.
It's so refreshing to hear from a guy who knows so much about women's shoes!
Keep your eye on the balls, Plural... Freudian slip???

Date: 2007-05-19 02:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Women have so MANY kinds of shoes to pick from!

Here's the pumps:
Miss-Dior-Peep-Toe-Pump (http://www.thisnext.com/item/CDE94F88/Miss-Dior-Peep-Toe-Pump)

I couldn't find a picture of the cork wedges I saw in the store on Sunset, but here's another pair I really like:
I really like these (http://www.bluefly.com/pages/products/detail.jsp;jsessionid=GOhdokC9WIC5RQcHTC98C7R12cUsnII0AaBnxwwWN4FaFnQ2xc5z!496021247!app12.l3.bluefly.com!7005!8005?PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=2036503037&FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=539&cm_mmc=ca_shopping-_-na-_-womens_shoes-_-2048701&referer=ca_shopping)

balls
Oooops! Did I type that?

Date: 2007-05-17 12:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roomfor2.livejournal.com
If Johnny was having the same problem, would he use a picture of yours truly, Mr Handsome, I wonder?

So I guess things worked out well for you in the end when you had this problem, Orlando. Lets hope Mr Shocked has the same success with his girl/boy.

“You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” Ahh, wise words there. From Mr Connelly?

I have a question too. After all of your experience of working in hotter climes, what do you recommend for the upcoming summer. Are you a sun-cream guy or an sun-oil guy?

Date: 2007-05-19 02:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Johnny? Johnny never has problems.

Yeah, those words sure could've come from ol' Dad Connelly, couldn't they? They're repeated way too bloody often on the soccer field with the tiny tots. I'm fond of the passing game, myself. Lots of good action there.

Y'know, it's funny, but I got a letter in the mailbag this week about the same thing you're asking! Look for the answer upcoming soon...to an advice column near you!

*giggles*

Date: 2007-05-21 03:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roomfor2.livejournal.com
Cool! I think you'll have excellent advice to avoid painful burnt bits. I'm aiming to get rid of my lily-white ass this year and I don't want a burnt butt!
(deleted comment)

Date: 2007-05-19 02:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Awwww, thanks so much, luv!

Date: 2007-05-18 04:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stormatdusk.livejournal.com
Things that work for you will work for her too, and you won’t have the added penalties that come when you don’t know all the laws

blaming your jailbreak on the spinach in your salad at supper. Beg off that you had to place an emergency call on the Big White Tele

that would be a little white lie definitely worth telling.

Keep your eye on the balls

this was some hugely eloquent advice, orlando. i don't know if i'd be man enough, or rather woman enough, to take it, but i hope i would be. my jaw was pretty much on the floor through this whole column. laughing, for sure. but i had no idea you knew so much about sports, and especially, i had no idea you were THIS nice a guy.

*hugs*

Date: 2007-05-19 03:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Awwww, I'm just glad I could help.

It amazes me that people want to ask my opinion on things. I mean, what the fuck do I know about stuff? Okay, I know a bit about footy, mostly from being sandwiched between the Steward and the Not-Yet-King of Gondor at the bar while they yell at the telly, but I'm sort of a one-at-the-time man when it comes to relationships. Just all the bloody head-banging associated with breaking up is enough to promote manogamy for me.

Thanks for the complement. :-D

Date: 2007-05-20 12:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stormatdusk.livejournal.com
sandwiched between the Steward and the Not-Yet-King of Gondor
*zones out*
oh, did you say something else? sorry, i was in my happy place.

manogamy
that is my favorite typo in the history of typing.

Date: 2007-05-21 03:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Fuck. I spelled that wrong, didn't I?

I'm blaming it on the bloody dyslexia.

Date: 2007-05-21 05:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] encelade2.livejournal.com
One can be 'sandwiched between the Steward and the Not-Yet-King of Gondor'???
And be still alive to tell us about it??
How come?
I can't imagine a better way to go,except being sandwiched between the King and YOU.
Mmmmm.Sorry.

About the boygirl trouble,admirable advice!:DDD

Date: 2007-05-25 05:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] westbeilschmidt.livejournal.com
Dear Orlando,

If you were to pamper your self (or someone else) what would it be?

Date: 2007-05-26 06:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] westbeilschmidt.livejournal.com
(also forgot to add for pampering question *my bad*)

Would you prefer to spice up things a little with homemade themed recipes like edible lotions or something straight out of a box?
Page generated Sep. 22nd, 2017 10:22 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios