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[personal profile] dearorlando
Dear Orlando,

I hate flying. No, I really bloody HATE flying. It's a fookin' phobia, yeah? I have to travel a lot for my job, so I'm constantly on one sodding plane or another. I've tried drinking meself silly, but then I'm just droonk AND hating flying. Got any advice, mate?

An Anonymous Bloke

Dear Bloke,

That is such a fuckin’ coincidence! I have a friend who’s scared shitless of flying! I mean, if you even make a noise like a helicopter— WHOP! WHOP! WHOP! WHOP!— he goes all pale and sweaty! I rode halfway across the bloody island in New Zealand with him, just so he wouldn’t have to ride in a damned aeroplane, and we got caught in a mudslide and spent two days shacked up in a little old lady’s cabin on the side of a mountain somewhere with no tv and no bloody cell phone connection! We woulda starved to death if he hadn’t known how to make the bloody damned tea from a pot on the stove, ‘cause there wasn’t a kettle anywhere in the place!

Bastard told everyone the only reason he was in the car with me was because I wanted to go shopping. IMAGINE THAT!!!

Now, I like shopping as much as the next guy, but not nearly enough to get swept off the side of a mountain in a blitherin’ cyclone. I mean, who wants to shop when it’s pouring rain? You’d have to have lost the entire plot, mate! All your new stuff would be soaked!

Nigh about ruined everything I’d bought too. And I said turn left when he went right, and the stupid git refused to stop to ask for directions. He got all stroppy and kept blatherin’ on about how REAL MEN don’t ask for directions, how REAL MEN don’t ever get lost, how REAL MEN can grow a beard in less than three days, or at least get stubble on their face. I dunno what being lost and having facial hair have to do with each other, I think he was just arguing the toss with me, but we coulda stopped at least three different places before we were....

We were lost, man. Gone.

Spent two days playing naughts and crosses using our socks lined up for the game board and some pebbles for the naughts and some bent twigs for the crosses. The whole blitherin’ trip was supposed to only take a full day, so we didn’t have any extra clothes in the boot. We dashed outside nuddy and barefoot to get the twigs and pebbles, and I’ll be damned if I didn’t see the old lady peeping out the curtains at us. Pervert. At least she didn’t come to the door while our clothes were drying all over her kitchen chairs. I mean, she only came twice. To the window. That I know of.


About the only thing that ever worked was for me to sit real close and let him feel my leg with his hand— I mean, let him rest his hand on my thigh— my knee, sort of. Well, not REALLY, ‘cause the bloke left marks I never was quite able to explain. I mean, that’s the only thing that ever worked while we were flying.

Oh, nevermind.

I’m bloody well sure the businessman sitting beside you on your next flight is NOT gonna be up for letting you damage his goods. Have you tried Sudoku? It helps to do the easy ones first, so you can just let your mind play a little and you don’t get frustrated and give up about the time the wheels leave the runway. Or maybe trade seats so you can sit by the woman with the baby who’s throwing a wobbler—then when YOU start screaming, everyone will just assume they understand why.

Y’know, those new iPods and MP3’s can show movies— maybe you could download some Sheffield United video from the archives on their webpage? Or you could sing “The Greasy Chip Butty” song, but do it sort of under you breath, mate, so you don’t go about getting the whole sodding first class’s tummies rumbling.

(Plus, if this IS you, Bean, you northern bastard, and you’re pullin’ my plonker, nobody wants to hear you bloody sing, okay? Go use your bloody charm to talk somebody into joining you for membership in the Mile High Club and get your mind on something else, yeah??? Try whispering "Strawberry" in her ear a few times, that'll get her going.)

Good luck, mate.

Date: 2007-05-09 04:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I love flying, but this is good advice :)

Date: 2007-05-17 01:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks, luv! Glad you liked it!

Date: 2007-05-09 04:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Now see great minds think alike. I was thinking your dear reader could try for a marathon session in the Mile High Club. But perhaps it would work better if you, dear Orlando, were the one joining your reader in the Mile High Club.

Just don't forget to make notes and take pictures for the rest of us.

Date: 2007-05-17 01:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Marathon session, eh? Would be a helluva line outside the door. You'd deserve to be a card-carrying member if you could keep it up the whole way across the Atlantic, yeah???

I'm not too sure about membership for myself, luv. Too loud. Performance anxiety and all that. Plus my hands would be too busy to take any notes, and by the time you fit two people into one of those tiny aeroplane loo's, where the fuck are you gonna put a notebook?

Thankfully there are razor cameraphones, huh. *wink*

Date: 2007-05-09 07:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You fly a lot as well, Orlando. Just out of curiosity, do you use any of these methods to entertain yourself on all those long, boring flights? Do you, as you put it, "just let your mind play a little" while you're on the plane? What sort of stuff do you think about?

Date: 2007-05-17 02:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I've tried suduko, but dyslexia makes all those little numbers fuckin' hell, y'know? Usually I catch a few zed's, watch the in-flight movie, read whatever script Aleene's stuffed into my bag. Boring, really.

Of course, the dreams aren't all that bad..... *giggle*

Date: 2007-05-09 10:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Seanie,Beanie,Boro-the-One-an-Only,love,we are brother and sister in airplane phobia,I' more than willing to help you on your next flight,well,on ALL your next flights!
Please please please!
First suggestion,I join you for the membership Orlando's talking of.It seems to me very appropriate.I suppose we could join many times and enter the Guiness Book pretty fast.What do you think?
Second suggestion,just in case my Jerry should raise an objection,and to tell the truth I'm afraid he will,*sigh*,have a strong drink and watch movies that make you feel comfortable.I have a list,here:
-Airport 77
-Airport 79
-Snakes on a Plane
-The Crash of Flight 401
-Die Hard 2
-Twilight Zone
-Tragedy of Flight 103
To begin with.
See,it will make you soooooooo happy to realize it's only fiction,just the same way Orlando does when he's reading some fics on LJ!!!:DD

Boys,I love you both so much(Jerry is outside washing the car,so I can open my heart),call you happy I were not the lady who rescued you on that mountain in N-Z,you would still be trapped there,but so tenderly carefuly treated you wouldn't mind,I swear.
Oh,here comes Jerry,bye,and think of my advice,hey?
Lots of smooches.

PS: Everybody knows you wanted to go shopping,Orli baby!A present for ,well,somebody dear to your heart...

Date: 2007-05-17 03:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Don't forget United 93! Plus all of "Lost" too!

Bean would rather watch "The Three Amigos" or "Bend It Like Beckham".

The cabin wasn't so bad. Well, it WOULDN'T have been if the damned Gondorian would've given worrying himself into a bloody state of barkin' madness trying to figure out how we were gonna get out of there with the roads blocked in both directions. Stupid Smelly Humans....

Date: 2007-05-09 11:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
What do you mean no one wants to hear Beanie sing? I love his voice. Love yours too... ;-)
*waves to Sean* I'll volunteer and sacrifice my virginal soul for mile-high duty!

Date: 2007-05-17 03:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
He's much better when he's "droonk", that's dead cert.

I think I should just tell him to buy two tickets every flight and have the line for volunteers start right over here.....Yeah?
(deleted comment)

Date: 2007-05-17 03:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Does for me....

Date: 2007-05-09 11:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I am so with your friend on that flying thing.
The actual flying part isn't so bad, but I think take-offs are scary and the landing, well, that scares me to bits.
Think about it.. flying is what the plane is suppose to do. So that's all good.
Taking off, well it's kinda shaky and bumpy, but most of the time it goes alright.
Landing is where most things go wrong. If you're landing at the airport, well, the odds are in your favor. But if there is a field, or trees, or anything but the bloody airport.. you are so screwed.
Me, I stay away from the windows, keep my eyes shut, and think happy thoughts.

Date: 2007-05-17 03:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Well, I don't know about you, but I pretty dead cert that it's the landings you gotta worry about. Ground's hard. Water's just like hitting something solid. All that's left really are mountains and rocks and trees and skyscrapers.

Yeah, it's the landing you gotta be buggared about.

By the way, when's your trip?

Date: 2007-05-17 11:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Trip was last weekend, luv. Trust me, don't ever fly "US Air", even if it's free. When the pilot turned off the cabin lights to take off I got worried, but I assumed he had a logical reason.
He did it again when we got ready to land. That's when I realized he was doing it to raise and lower the landing gear and I swear my whole life flashed in front of my eyes.
The high point of the flight back was when I terrified some old bat in the airport.
Hey, it was her own fault. She made an ugly face at me. I couldn't help it that I growled at her as I was getting up to tell her off. She heard me snarl and took off running. The look on my face probably didn't help any either.

Date: 2007-05-19 03:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I need you with me when the pooparazzi are bad....

Date: 2007-05-09 01:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I love flying, which is good cos I also have to do it quite often.

I've found a good way to pass the time when flying with someone like your friend is to feel and tap the area around the window, muttering things like "I wonder if's just the wing vibration making it shake like that".

Yelling "Oh my God! We've overshot the runway!" as you come into land is also quite effective - these tactics can provide hours of mindless entertainment for you, and your friend will be so busy whimpering and cowering in his seat you don't have to worry about him singing or asking you to join the Mile High Club. It also leaves you free to 'join the club' yourself if they faint and there's someone on the plane who has caught your eye.

Oh - and you can also tell your friend he should go and sit alone in the rear of the plane, cos you never hear of them reversing into mountains!

Date: 2007-05-17 03:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Bloody hell. I should've let you answer this one, luv.

I'll bet you could look out just as you're about to touch down and say, "Why aren't the bloody wheels down?" or "I wonder why we just passed the fire brigade?"

I need to write these down before I forget them....

Date: 2007-05-09 01:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I can so feel for the guy and for Beanie of course. I HATE flying too and wouldn't you know whenever I'm flying there's always turbulence!
I think Sean and I should comfort each other, I mean it would take our minds of things, right? I'll go for the Strawberry thing...

Date: 2007-05-17 03:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Turbulence is just the angels having a little bottom burp contest. That's what my mum always says.

We're gonna need one of those ticket dispenser things for the Strawberry thing, at this rate....

Date: 2007-05-09 07:10 pm (UTC)
ext_122933: (Default)
From: [identity profile]
Awesome advice "Orlando", I am thoroughly amused *loves*

Date: 2007-05-17 03:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Awwww! I'm so glad you liked it. Hope it helps on your next flight, yeah?

Date: 2007-05-18 12:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
orlando, i am a sucky friend. i totally missed this post last week. please forgive me!

WHOP! WHOP! WHOP! WHOP! ROFL! (do you know all the internet acronyms yet, orlando?)

I like shopping as much as the next guy
*tries not to focus on the incongruity of this statement*

personally, i'm thinking nuddy and barefoot sounds like a wayyy more fun game than naughts and crosses. ;) assuming this friend of yours is a good-looking guy, of course.

I mean, she only came twice.
*resolves not to comment in a piggish fashion*

sit by the woman with the baby who’s throwing a wobbler—then when YOU start screaming, everyone will just assume they understand why

mmmmm. strawberry.

Date: 2007-05-19 03:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
But you're here now, luv, right? That's all that matters!

I know a few of the internet code words already. Mostly I like making the little smiley faces... :-D

Yeah, you could call my friend ruggedly handsome, I guess....

Bean can blow your ears off, mate, I'm not shittin' ya. He'd give that little tyke a go, that's for sure.
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