PANTS.

May. 1st, 2007 10:58 pm
dearorlando: (boxers DO)
[personal profile] dearorlando
This week has been fuckin’ pants, man. Ever have one of those days when it seems like you bodged up everything you did? I’ve had a whole week like that.

So here’s the question for this week.

Dear Orlando,

Boxers or briefs?

Signed,
Just Curious




See? Just PANTS, I tell you.




Dear Curious,

I knew this was coming after what happened last Thursday.

Didn’t your mum ever tell you not to believe everything you read? Especially if it’s NOT accompanied by evidence. If you can buy it in the market while you’re standing in the queue waiting to drop a couple of pounds on jaffa cakes and tea bags, it’s probably just bollocks.

So it’s funny you should ask....

Boxers, mate. Hangin’ free. I’ve been wearing boxers for most of my adult life. I thought most people already knew, since I get asked so much about my tattoo it seems like all people think I do is sit under a tree and contemplate my navel, and every time I show it, there’s my pants hanging out the top of my trousers. I’ve got blue and red stripes, blue and white stripes, blue AND red tartan plaids, solids and patterns, and even a pair with the Union Jack on them.

Sometimes wardrobe isn’t happy with boxers, though. Makes sense when you consider Jimmy Connelly with a pair of Sponge Bob Squarepants boxers under those white satin trunks. Or how about Legolas with boxers under his leggings? Talk about getting your knickers all in a wad!

I had to wear these little black briefs under my skirt for Troy. Man! Those fuckin’ things CHAFED!!! I had raw places in places you don’t wanna know about. When we filmed that scene where Paris gets his arse kicked by Helen’s ex, I ended up on my arse in the dirt a couple dozen times before we got a wrap. I had so much fuckin’ sand in those briefs I had to get wardrobe to rinse them out and let them sun-dry three times before that one damned day was up.

They could’ve at least gotten me a spare pair, but NOOOO--

Hey! Maybe that’s why Brendan kept missing his lines....

No. Just fuck no.

Brad wanted everybody to go starkers underneath, like the real Trojans did. That was until Eric stripped off. Then Achilles decided for some reason that he would only be starkers in the scenes that didn’t have Hector in them.

What’s with that?

I mean, I don’t get why Brad wouldn’t want to be nuddy in scenes with Eric. Eric’s... well, ERIC.

I wouldn’t have minded.

I DO get why we had to wear little black briefs under those skirts, though. Those freakin’ skirts were short, man.

SHORT.

Whew.

Anyway, while we were all sitting around drinkin’ beer and thinking of whether or not we wanted to bust the piñata now or later, I tried to get Pitt to ditch his tighty-whiteys and wear boxers all the time. He and Jen were thinking about having a baby, 'cause this was back before he became Mr. Jolie, and I talked to him about how wearing boxers helps with male fertility and all that. After all, he was playing Achilles, and I was playing Paris, and Achilles’ parents were the whole reason behind the “Prettiest” apple contest that led to The Trojan War anyway. Paris gave the golden apple to Aphrodite, the goddess of Love, and then Aphrodite promised Paris he could get it onand boink Helen, The Most Beautiful Woman in the World, except Helen was draggin’ her own ball and chain at the time, and to top all THAT off, Odysseus had to go and run his gob to Helen’s dad that he should make all her boyfriends promise to defend whomever she ended up marrying, even if it wasn’t them. And this was all back before Helen ever even laid EYES on Paris, before she got all pissed that I was prettier than her, and--

Hey!

See, it was Odysseus who really caused the whole melee, not Paris. Why does Bean get to be THE MAN in this film, and I’m just a big old girl’s blouse?

Bloody fuckin’ ‘ell.





So, like I told Brad, if you really wanna to spend all your time changing nappies, you need a lot of sperm in your spunk. Like, ten billion of the little swimmers or something. And sperm bloody well don’t like heat. That’s why your naughty bits include a set of bollocks on your outsides, mate. To lower the heat. Even though when you touch a guy’s nads, things will surely heat up in OTHER PLACES, not just his noggin’.

Yeah....

What was the question?



Oh, yeah.

Boxers. Burgundy, not bright red.

Date: 2007-05-02 03:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tularia.livejournal.com
Much obliged for the info, and duly noted! ;-)

Date: 2007-05-08 03:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
*goggles at your icon*

A bloke might be inclined to think that's a thong, luv. Ought not go out without a belt, eh? What'd your mum tell ya?

*wink wink*

Date: 2007-05-02 05:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angrymobjustice.livejournal.com
^-^

Wonderful!

Date: 2007-05-08 03:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Yeah? My mum always says it's good to wait 'til you have something worth saying before you go runnin' your gob all over the place.

She'd be proud you liked it.

Date: 2007-05-02 06:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] silvs-fiction.livejournal.com
Thanks for the history lesson :))))

Jaffa cakes, mmm? Bet you miss those when you're overseas...

Date: 2007-05-08 03:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Did you like that, luv? Thought for a moment there I'd bodged things up.

Helen WAS a bit of a whore, don'tcha think?

Don't tell, but I always hide some Jaffa cakes in my carry-on, for the trip, y'know. Aeroplane food SUCKS.

Date: 2007-05-02 06:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] illuminated-sin.livejournal.com
So what did you do with your little black briefs after filming Troy? Did you give them to someone as a memento? Or did you just throw them away?

Date: 2007-05-08 03:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
I sold them to [livejournal.com profile] tularia, she's wearing 'em in her bloody icon up there. *points*

No, seriously, wardrobe keeps a blitherin' count on every damned thing. People nick stuff all the time to make money on the internets! Vi--I mean some actors won't even sign autographs unless he can sign the person's name that the signature is going to. Keeps complete strangers from taking from the fans who really went to a lot of bloody trouble to stand in the lines and get pushed and shoved around in the heat just to see you.

I only threw away the ones that got REALLY buggared up.

Date: 2007-05-09 11:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stormatdusk.livejournal.com
I sold them to tularia, she's wearing 'em in her bloody icon up there. *points*
*ROFL*

so are you going to claim that your icon is also [livejournal.com profile] tularia, orlando?

Date: 2007-05-02 08:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roomfor2.livejournal.com
Sounds like no one can resist getting close to your 'bits', even sand ;-)

Date: 2007-05-08 03:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
If you stay on the beach as much as I have in the past couple years, you're bound to get sand on your naughty bits. Even a tropical paradise can make you arsey sometimes. Cell coverage SUCKS on those little islands. Makes a real challenge during phone sex. You have to make up the dialogue yourself, all the while you're hollerin' "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW???"

Can be positively cringeworthy, sometimes.

Date: 2007-05-02 10:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oceansnset.livejournal.com
You poor baby, you have it so hard.
Just remember, you are still the prettiest and everybody knows it.

Date: 2007-05-08 04:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Ahahaha! *winks* Why, thank you,luv!

Date: 2007-05-02 12:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ellie-pierson.livejournal.com
So then I guess a thong is out also?? A bit of a translation for an American please? What are Jaffa cakes? I personally prefer boxers, or the boxer-brief.

Date: 2007-05-08 04:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
THONG? *boggles*

Jaffa cakes are what you American's call "cookies", with a soft part on the bottom covered by this smashingly awesome orangey bit and then coated in chocolate. Look at this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jaffa_Cake

Delicious, eh?
(deleted comment)

Date: 2007-05-08 04:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Only one pair for that day. Apparently all the others were at the dry cleaners, or something like that.

I still think the girls in wardrobe were in with Pitt on the nuddy thing. He probably paid them, or offered to flash them his chest. Women like that, y'know.

Sean, the rat-bastard, kept sniggering about it for a whole bloody damned week. I did borrow some creme from him though....

Date: 2007-05-03 05:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] encelade2.livejournal.com
I definitely loved Jimmy's white satin trunks,sigh...
Maybe because with such outfit you have to go shirtless?
Anyway,I so wanted to touch the soft material!:D

Date: 2007-05-08 04:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Satin's silky smooth, yeah? Wrinkles right badly though, and white's such a problem if it gets wet. Had to be careful and not spill the milk I was chuggin'!

See, like I told [livejournal.com profile] dinenw, women like a flash of chest, almost as much as the blokes do.

Date: 2007-05-07 04:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] admirabile.livejournal.com
I'm with Brad, about the whole starkers underneath. Yeah.

I'm NOT with Brad about not wanting to be in nuddy scenes with Eric.

I'm with you on that.

Can I be with you AND Eric? :-p

Date: 2007-05-08 04:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Threesome, eh?

Will have to ask about that....

Imagine if you DIDN'T have knickers on, and you got hot and sweaty fighting some bloody big jealous dimwit git with a sword who outweighed you by three times, man, and you fell on your arse in the sand.

Ewww. That could REALLY be a problem.
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