dearorlando: (Wet Will DO)
[personal profile] dearorlando
Dear Orlando,

This is sort of a personal question. Well, a REALLY personal question. My boyfriend and I sometimes like to have sex in a more... unusual way. A more unusual PLACE, actually. We both enjoy it, but the lubricant we use seems to bother my skin. I end up pretty miserable for a few days after.

I was wondering if you had any suggestions for a really good product to try?

Signed,

Sick of Itching in Ithaca




Dear Itchy,

Well, Ithaca IS sort of an unusual place, I guess. It’s really cool there. I mean, it’s tropical-hot sort of cool, y’know? But I’m still pretty sure people in Ithaca like to shag just like people all over the rest of the world do.

Y’know, as beautiful as those white sand beaches are, and as clear as the water gets, if you’ve got the grainy stuff in the wrong places, sex can be a very painful ordeal. I’m thinking it’s your LO-cation, not your LUBRI-cation, that’s causing the problem. There’s no dunes in Ithaca, so if you’re boinking right down on the beach, say after everybody with a room’s gone to bed for the night, you might wanna give the beach blanket an extra shake before you start rollin’ around. Maybe try a bedsheet instead. That’s worked for me before, especially if you’re the type to wriggle a lot while playin’ hide the sausage—

I mean, not ME. I don’t wriggle a LOT, just sometimes—

Oh, bollocks. Nevermind.

You could pick a spot for the missionary mambo up in the treeline, but the rocks are blitherin’ sharp and there’s really NOTHING unusual about that location, ‘cause you’re likely to have lots of friends up there. Not just the human kind (it’s a pretty popular place, since not everybody’s into the exhibitionist state-of-mind that screwing on the beach requires), but there are lots of little creepy crawlies up there too. Be careful— don’t kneel on a poor little gecko! They’re so cute!

If you’re planning on trying a vertical tango in the water, you’ll need to take some lube that isn’t water-soluble, something silicone based like Eros. You just gotta keep your head enough not to let go of the little bottle out there! Remember, no hanky-panky right at the edge where the little shallow waves are breaking. You might be thinking that nobody knows what you’re up to there, with the motion of the ocean covering up the perfume of your love potion, but if there’s too much turbulence, there goes the grainy problem all over again. If you’re standing up, you really gotta watch out for sea urchins— Maaaaan! those little fu— spiny things are SHARP! And it’s very, very painful when you step on them! You might just put your foot down right on one and BAM! The little spines just keep breaking off, they kind of crumble — OH MY GOD! What if you accidentally SAT ON ONE??! *shudders* Your poor nethers!

Whatever you do, don’t pee on it. People will tell you to pee on it, or have someone else pee on it. It doesn’t help for shite. It’s kind of sexy and all that maybe, but it does absolutely NOTHING for the pain. And it’s VERY, VERY PAINFUL, that. Save the kink for a less painful time, yeah?

I suppose Odysseus, King of Ithaca, wasn’t named Odysseus for nothing. Translate that, and it means “Son of Pain”. Wonder if he liked to have sex in unusual places too?



All I can say is stay away from sea urchins, man, that’s basically it.

Date: 2007-04-23 04:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] admirabile.livejournal.com
You kill me, Orlando!

Date: 2007-04-25 09:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Oh, no, luv! Don't DIE! That would be bloody horrific!

You're acting now, aren't you? *say yes*

Date: 2007-04-23 05:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annie00732.livejournal.com
Orlando,

I somehow missed that you were actually answering all the important questions of life here in your own journal.

I've missed your wonderful advice and the stories that go with it. I look forward to more guidance next week and your adventures with viggo

annie

Date: 2007-04-25 09:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Thanks for making me your friend! I made you my friend too, isn't that absobloodylutely AWESOME how easy that is on lj? And all those pretty colors you can use for each person's name! The hardest part is deciding which one! Sometimes I change my mind and go back and mix all the colors up. I really like to make it look like a rainbow.

The dirty ranger would like that, yeah? *grins*

Date: 2007-04-23 11:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roomfor2.livejournal.com
*agrees*
Sea urchins really aren't the sort of prick you're looking for in that situation, right? ;-)

Date: 2007-04-25 09:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Ahahahahahaaaa!!!

Good one, luv!

Date: 2007-04-23 11:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tularia.livejournal.com
*chokes on coffee which ends up spewing out nose*

Thanks for the advice Orlando!
*coughgigglecough*

Date: 2007-04-25 09:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Oh, that sounded nasty....

You okay, luv?

If you're ever in Ithaca, remember all that. There are lots of other places like Ithaca too, so maybe you can use the advice somewhere. I dunno....

Date: 2007-04-23 12:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] doylebaby.livejournal.com
Thanks for the great advice, especially about the sea urchins - you did recover from the remarkebly well didn't you?

I suppose Odysseus, King of Ithaca, wasn’t named Odysseus for nothing. Translate that, and it means “Son of Pain”. Wonder if he liked to have sex in unusual places too?

Why don't you ask Beanie, I'm sure he knows, he must have done some research on Odysseus when he played him... Perhaps he could even show you! ;)

Date: 2007-04-25 09:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Yeah, my foot's a lot better now. No thanks to urination administration.

Ahaha, Beanie. He's not like the serious smelly dirty ranger human. Much less of a method actor than that. But he might have some research to share, maybe I should ask him....

Hmmmm....

Date: 2007-04-23 01:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ellie-pierson.livejournal.com
Was Odysseus called the "Son of Pain" because he liked to have sex in unusual places or because he was a really good sub?? I think this should be researched further.

The advice about sand in unwanted places was good. I never did get how the Hollywood movies could make beach sex look romantic. The only thing I would be thinking about is the sandpaper action going on.

I love the advice you give. I'm patiently waiting for the next letter.

Date: 2007-04-25 09:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
A good sub? Hmmmm, never considered it....Will have to ask Beanie, he knows everything. Not bad, for a Northern Softie.

Beach sex. Geez. I'm bloody damned glad Helen and Paris didn't go at it on the beach somewhere. It was hard enough being nuddy with her in the bedroom. Well, not really HARD, just.. difficult. Required lots of acting skills. Good thing I had Guildhall.

Yeah. Whatever....

I'm glad I can help you with some good advice. We'll see what next week's letters bring!

Date: 2007-04-24 03:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stormatdusk.livejournal.com
It's kind of ssexy and all that

orlando! i had no idea. obviously you're a man of many interests. now that you're between films, perhaps you'll sit down with some of us girls and tell us more?

Date: 2007-04-25 09:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
I'm not just a pretty face, y'know. *grins*

*tries looking less "cute" and more "mature"*

*hopes it's working*

Yeah, I have lots of experience with lots of things, and the stuff I'm not sure about, I can ask all my friends for help on. I have LOTS of friends with more experience than me. LOTS. And they like telling about all their experiences, sometimes for HOURS AND HOURS ON END....

I can always call Sir Ian, he's good for LOTS of things.

Date: 2007-04-24 02:49 pm (UTC)
ext_41467: (koulahappy)
From: [identity profile] koulagirl666.livejournal.com
I hear those Ithacans are a randy bunch alright. Odysseus built his bed around a tree - does that count as an unusual place?

Thanks for friending me, Orlando!

Date: 2007-04-25 09:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Odysseus built his bed around a tree? Well, that's just wicked, isn't it??? That must be where all his carpentry ideas came from!

Sounds a bit elven, doesn't it?

Thanks for friending ME, luv!

Date: 2007-04-27 01:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] encelade2.livejournal.com
What a bad timing!
The worse timing you can imagine.
I just come back from holidays in Lanzarote,and I can tell it is a dry rough and tough island,dear good lord,only volcanos and lava stones all over the place.
Stunning,but utterly unconfortable in many situations,sure enough Ithaca looks like Paradise in comparison.
Jerry and I have no more skin on our backs,knees,elbows,er...,sorry,personal information...
Well,your brilliant advice come too late for us,too bad!
We are strong,we'll recover.
Next holidays in Groenland,you may start to think of useful tricks to share?
:)

Date: 2007-05-08 03:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Hello, luv!

Lanzarote, you say? Have never been there--will have to ring Aleen or Robin and add that somehow (or maybe I should just sneak off and leave them wonderin', yeah??) Sounds bloody awesome!

Sounds like you managed jolly right well good enough without any advice from me too! *nudge nudge* So, are you callin' Jerry 'Randy' now, eh???

Glad you had a scrummy time of it all, luv!

Date: 2007-04-28 02:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oceansnset.livejournal.com
Oh Orlando, I have been so scatter brained lately that I forgot to friend you.
I'm sorry. Better late than never, right?

I do hope you'll friend me back, you have the best advice and I don't know how I can survive without it!

(Hugs and smooches)

Date: 2007-05-08 03:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
*squeee!*

Another friend! See, I bloody well DO have friends!!!

All kinds of questions are piling up in the mailbags every day--maybe there'll be a question from you, yeah?

*giggles*
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