dearorlando: (Joe Byrne DO)
[personal profile] dearorlando
Last week, [ profile] encelade2 asked a smashingly good question.

Now, I have an important question: I'm dying to hear more of Joe's beard. It seemed so smooth and silky and harmless. My man's one is just scratching my jaws to the bone. I do love him, but I love my skin as well, so help please?
I'll send you home made coockies.

Since I know a little bit about the subject, here's your answer, luv....No bickies necessary- unless you've got a spot of Tim Tams around? *looks hopeful*

Joe was a bit scruffy, wasn’t he?

It took a lot of negotiating and about an hour in the makeup chair for that beard. Sort of made me look like that American chap, Lincoln, if I’d have been a bit taller. He had a nice top hat too, maybe I should have asked for one of those for Joe’s costume.


Here’s some advice for your mate about bearding.

A beard is a major commitment. It takes a lot of courage to have a beard. While you’re waiting for two weeks for it to look more like you’ve got hair on your chin instead of dirt from the garden, you have to put up with a lot of jokes aimed at your manliness. Even your bitchy big sis will want you to get your testosterone levels checked out, making you take the piss as to whether you’re really her ‘brother’ or not. Well, bullocks to that!

You gotta make the decision to leave it alone for at least a month, maybe six weeks if you’re a slow grower like me. Your beard won’t like that. Beards like attention, they like to be touched and petted and scratched. That’s what all the itching is about—it’s just a bloody plea for attention. It feels like you’ve got a case of the crabs on your face when you first start bearding, but eventually it gets easier.

When the hair first comes in, and it’s all stubbly and prickly and you itch like fuck, make sure to stay out of the limelight. Stick to the back roads, like up in Runyon Canyon, or maybe hit the dog park. When the hairs get long enough to touch each other, you can hang out in darker places, like the backroom at the Ivy or one of the private rooms at the Hyde. Watch out for the paparazzi— you don’t wanna blow your cover and have somebody guess what you’re up to. Once everything’s fully grown in, and you’ve got things shaped and polished just the way you want, the best places to show off your new beard are on the couch in the lobby of the Chateau Marmot, dancing at Teddy’s, or anyplace around Hollywood Hills that has real estate to purchase. Or at a red carpet event, if your agent happens to have one handy.

Beards can be tricky. You have to get them proportioned just right, and make a good match with the rest of the personality, yeah? If your beard’s too thin, you spend all kinds of time and money trying to fatten—I mean, thicken it up. Nutrition’s an important thing, y‘know? Takes more than bottled water and salad to make a beard thrive. You gotta have protein and vitamins too. And essential oils— those are important too. You could gain a lot of points by giving your beard some Lavender Body Wash, like they sell at The Body Shop. Those stores are EVERYWHERE.

Having a beard can make you ten years older—I mean, make you LOOK ten years older. Having a beard can also save you time in the morning for things that are lots more fun than shaving your face. Just be careful to keep it clean. If you get stuff stuck all over, you’re sussed.

Beards aren’t always harmless. The more you frolic about, the more out of control the beard gets. It’s hard to keep a beard tame when you’re out pirating, yeah? They want to do their own thing, stray all over the place, and then just when you’ve had enough and you’re ready to cut them off, suddenly they get a clue and come back in line. Makes it bloody hard as hell to keep up appearances, y’know what I mean?

Some lovers like the way a beard feels, all rough and scratchy, and others don’t like it at all. Well, maybe not on your face, but you gotta admit there are those special places where the feel of a beard tickling across your skin feels fuckin’ great, yeah? Naughty bits, anyone?

Yep, [ profile] encelade2. You can love the man, and you can love the beard, and if you’re lucky, you can love your man and the beard at the same time, y’know what I mean? I hope that sheds some light on what bearding’s all about, luv. Thanks for your question!
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