dearorlando: (Joe Byrne DO)
[personal profile] dearorlando
Last week, [livejournal.com profile] encelade2 asked a smashingly good question.

Now, I have an important question: I'm dying to hear more of Joe's beard. It seemed so smooth and silky and harmless. My man's one is just scratching my jaws to the bone. I do love him, but I love my skin as well, so help please?
I'll send you home made coockies.


Since I know a little bit about the subject, here's your answer, luv....No bickies necessary- unless you've got a spot of Tim Tams around? *looks hopeful*



Joe was a bit scruffy, wasn’t he?

It took a lot of negotiating and about an hour in the makeup chair for that beard. Sort of made me look like that American chap, Lincoln, if I’d have been a bit taller. He had a nice top hat too, maybe I should have asked for one of those for Joe’s costume.

Nah.

Here’s some advice for your mate about bearding.

A beard is a major commitment. It takes a lot of courage to have a beard. While you’re waiting for two weeks for it to look more like you’ve got hair on your chin instead of dirt from the garden, you have to put up with a lot of jokes aimed at your manliness. Even your bitchy big sis will want you to get your testosterone levels checked out, making you take the piss as to whether you’re really her ‘brother’ or not. Well, bullocks to that!

You gotta make the decision to leave it alone for at least a month, maybe six weeks if you’re a slow grower like me. Your beard won’t like that. Beards like attention, they like to be touched and petted and scratched. That’s what all the itching is about—it’s just a bloody plea for attention. It feels like you’ve got a case of the crabs on your face when you first start bearding, but eventually it gets easier.

When the hair first comes in, and it’s all stubbly and prickly and you itch like fuck, make sure to stay out of the limelight. Stick to the back roads, like up in Runyon Canyon, or maybe hit the dog park. When the hairs get long enough to touch each other, you can hang out in darker places, like the backroom at the Ivy or one of the private rooms at the Hyde. Watch out for the paparazzi— you don’t wanna blow your cover and have somebody guess what you’re up to. Once everything’s fully grown in, and you’ve got things shaped and polished just the way you want, the best places to show off your new beard are on the couch in the lobby of the Chateau Marmot, dancing at Teddy’s, or anyplace around Hollywood Hills that has real estate to purchase. Or at a red carpet event, if your agent happens to have one handy.

Beards can be tricky. You have to get them proportioned just right, and make a good match with the rest of the personality, yeah? If your beard’s too thin, you spend all kinds of time and money trying to fatten—I mean, thicken it up. Nutrition’s an important thing, y‘know? Takes more than bottled water and salad to make a beard thrive. You gotta have protein and vitamins too. And essential oils— those are important too. You could gain a lot of points by giving your beard some Lavender Body Wash, like they sell at The Body Shop. Those stores are EVERYWHERE.

Having a beard can make you ten years older—I mean, make you LOOK ten years older. Having a beard can also save you time in the morning for things that are lots more fun than shaving your face. Just be careful to keep it clean. If you get stuff stuck all over, you’re sussed.

Beards aren’t always harmless. The more you frolic about, the more out of control the beard gets. It’s hard to keep a beard tame when you’re out pirating, yeah? They want to do their own thing, stray all over the place, and then just when you’ve had enough and you’re ready to cut them off, suddenly they get a clue and come back in line. Makes it bloody hard as hell to keep up appearances, y’know what I mean?

Some lovers like the way a beard feels, all rough and scratchy, and others don’t like it at all. Well, maybe not on your face, but you gotta admit there are those special places where the feel of a beard tickling across your skin feels fuckin’ great, yeah? Naughty bits, anyone?

Yep, [livejournal.com profile] encelade2. You can love the man, and you can love the beard, and if you’re lucky, you can love your man and the beard at the same time, y’know what I mean? I hope that sheds some light on what bearding’s all about, luv. Thanks for your question!

Date: 2007-04-13 07:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] illuminated-sin.livejournal.com
So, then, you love the feel of someone else's beard tickling across your naughty bits? ;)



Date: 2007-04-13 05:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] encelade2.livejournal.com
Ooooh,you've been fast to get him on this one!
But he was asking for it,I'd say,right?
:DD

Date: 2007-04-13 09:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] illuminated-sin.livejournal.com
Oh, he loves it. He's naughty like that. ;)

Date: 2007-04-14 03:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Now, ladies! Ladies!

*giggles*

Since when Do I talk about my personal life, eh? It's all just rumor and speculation, I say.... *wink wink*

Some things are meant to be private.

Date: 2007-04-14 05:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] illuminated-sin.livejournal.com
So sorry! You're absolutely right!


Email me with all the dirty details! ;)

Date: 2007-04-13 08:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] andatariel.livejournal.com
It feels like you’ve got a case of the crabs on your face when you first start bearding, but eventually it gets easier.

So, can we... ummm... assume that you've had... prior experience of this???

Well, maybe not on your face, but you gotta admit there are those special places where the feel of a beard tickling across your skin feels fuckin’ great, yeah? Naughty bits, anyone?

And this too??? *winks*

Date: 2007-04-14 03:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Bearding? Why, yes, I've grown a beard before...and I've tickled before, too. And I have naughty bits -- doesn't everyone??? *winks*

Date: 2007-04-13 09:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roomfor2.livejournal.com
And there was me thinking of the other type of beard... Cos you know all about those too, right? lol

Date: 2007-04-14 03:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Spend a few hours with Cruise, luv, and you'll know LOTS of things! *wink*

Date: 2007-04-13 11:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tularia.livejournal.com
Never have cared much for a full bears... much more enjoy the tickling of a goatee... and yeah, in those special places most of all. But you don't have to worry about beards anymore, do you, Orlando? You shaved yours off.

;-)

Date: 2007-04-13 11:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tularia.livejournal.com
that would be full BEARDS... ah the joys of typing with dead fingers. (Don't ask.) You don't strike me as the bear type... fuzzies maybe, but not bears. *G*

Date: 2007-04-14 03:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
*ROTFLOL!*

Never tried bears, luv, and if you meant "furries", never tried that either. YET.

*giggles*

Yup. I shaved mine off. Tired of the soddin' annoyance of it all, and happier for it!

Date: 2007-04-14 04:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tularia.livejournal.com
*G* No, I meant fuzzies... guys who just have a smattering of chest hair, sometimes sandy colored... a light dusting as it were.

Um ,yeah, let me know how it goes with the furries when you DO try it... *G* Most assuredly not my cuppa. ;-)

Date: 2007-04-13 11:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] encelade2.livejournal.com
Dear you,if you didn't exist,the world would be a much more sad place,really.

My man never looked like Abby,thank's god.Like Jeremiah Johnson,instead.As we live in a chalet in the Swiss mountains,it was ok.
Was,yes,but wait for the story.My life is a novel...
He threw himself in troubles while hunting our neighbour's european buffalos with bow and arrows(as you very well are aware of,it's all about arrows...:D),I had to pick him up at the police station numerous times.So you imagine he didn't have much time to take care of his bl... beard.
Don't be afraid,no buffalo was injured,I know,I was there,sitting on the fence,knitting a scarf for my Jerry,they were just curious and rather entertained.I think they'll miss my Jerry's visits.
To make a long story short,he shaved off.
He checked my Internet mail,and was sooooooooo pissed off because I asked you for help,yelling I was crazy to imagine 'a stupid pussy actor'(so sorry,I dissociate)would know anything about a manly thing like a beard,a real one,said he,not one the make up provides.
Then he checked the pictures I saved,and now I'm living with Nicolaï,I'm afraid...
I just hope he's not gonna hunt the buffalos with a machine gun.

Anyway,thank you so much for your answer,I save it,because who knows,beards come and go!

Don't talk dirty about your sister,she seems to me a very wise person.
And hey,I bet you're not 'a slow grower' in everything!:DDD

PS: we all notice your knowledge about beard tickling on certain private places,now I'm all dreamy thinking of Alatriste and Will Turner playing together...
Absolutely great!Hope you don't mind?;)

Date: 2007-04-14 03:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
If they give archery lessons near you, luv, DON'T SIGN JERRY UP, k?

Maybe if you copied pictures of European buffalo off the internets and pasted them onto paper plates, he'd be just as happy shooting those? The buffalo could watch from the woods. You just sort of spin them up into the air for him, sort of like flying a Frisbee disc....

Sorry he didn't find any tips he could use, luv. Not even the naughty bits one? Shame, that. But, WOW. You knit scarves? Lucky man, that Jerry.

Alatriste and Will Turner...hahahahahaha.

Yeah.

Thanks again for your question. I think it'll help a lot of people. :-D

Date: 2007-04-13 01:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stormatdusk.livejournal.com
i loved you in ned kelly, orlando, beard and all. i thought your death scene in particular was very touching; suddenly your character seemed as young as he was. *sniffles* ace acting!

still, i have to sort of cover my eyes during one scene.... you know the one - the redhead in the bathtub. not only did she look like your mother, but she was - well, a she... and that seemed all wrong for as dedicated as you were to your buddy ned.

any chance there's an edited copy of the movie out there, sans predatory redhead?

Date: 2007-04-14 03:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Hello! *giggles*

Awwwww, that's so sweet, luv! Thanks so much!

Did you mean the redheaded lady who was the banker's wife? Or me, in the bathtub? There was a Chinese woman in the bath with me. You don't need to cover your eyes, luv, there's no naughty bits showing--well, except for my nips, that is. *blushes* It's just actin', y'know?

Geez, no wonder you seem confused. I've--I mean, Joe's got so many women, so little time....

You're right, though. The woman was a bloody beast, taking advantage of Joe while he was with Ned -- I mean working with Ned and all....
(deleted comment)

Date: 2007-04-14 03:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Well, I was talking about facial hair, what were you talking about? *winks*

Date: 2007-04-13 04:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] littlegreenleaf.livejournal.com
Thank you for the first big laugh of my day! Brilliant! ♥

Date: 2007-04-14 03:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Glad you liked it, luv! Did you just get up?

Here's to many more laughs today. Cheers!

Date: 2007-04-13 05:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] admirabile.livejournal.com
Some lovers like the way a beard feels, all rough and scratchy, and others don’t like it at all. Well, maybe not on your face, but you gotta admit there are those special places where the feel of a beard tickling across your skin feels fuckin’ great, yeah? Naughty bits, anyone?

Could you expand on this? Pretty please? With a cherry on top?

Date: 2007-04-14 03:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
*giggles*

Awww, baby, you know I don't talk about my private life!

Try one of those soft, natural-bristle hairbrushes,or maybe a paintbrush, you'll see what I mean....*wink*

Date: 2007-04-13 10:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stormatdusk.livejournal.com
two things, orlando:

1 - i just made my first ever icon! i thought you might squee with me since you're new to this stuff, too. squeeeeeeee!

2 - have you talked to karl lately? are you and viggo going to see pathfinder?

Date: 2007-04-14 03:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
*Squeeeeeee!!!!*

Lookit Karl! He's all sad and pouty! (And DIRTY!)

I haven't talked to Karl lately. Gotta check on red carpet schedules for that, yeah. Thanks for the reminder....*makes note to ring Karl and Aleene about that*

Date: 2007-04-14 07:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eenoogje.livejournal.com
Wow, I am totally impressed.I never knew it was so much work to get and maintain a beard.
I am glad my husband doesn't have one and that you got rid of yours! But my husband does have a mustache. How do you feel about that?

Date: 2007-04-14 08:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Mustaches are cool. The long fuzzy ones can be kinda squiffy, but they're not as prickly as shorter ones. Mustaches are good for hiding little skin inconsistencies between your nose and upper lip, too. They can be really messy when you've got a cold, though....

Yeah, mustaches are easier and less expensive to keep than beards, that's dead cert.
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