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[personal profile] dearorlando
First off, let me just start this weeks advice by telling my loving, protective, caring cousin Bast THAT WAS NOT THAT FUCKIN' FUNNY, YOU BASTARD!

Polar bear, my arse.



There. Now that's THAT's taken care of, here's this week's question:

Dear Orlando,

Okay, I feel sort of dumb asking this, but what do you do with your hair to get it looking so nice? My girlfriend is all nutty for your hair, she says it looks so soft and touchable. I want her to be nutty for MY hair. Help a guy out?

- Harried in Harrisburg




Dear Harris,

*my ’nutty’ hair, harharhar....* You mean, you want her to be NUDDY for your hair, right? *wink!wink!*

Okay.

It depends on which hair you’re talking about.

First off, there’s Will Turner the Pirate hair, arrrgh! I don’t really think of Will’s hair as soft and touchable, ‘cause it takes so much grease to tame that bad boy and keep it in the bun. Maybe when it’s down hanging all in my face—the ladies seem to think I’m fuckin’ hot with that hair. Somebody said I look like Jim Morrison with it down like that. Like a BAAAAAD BOY. *snickers* You’d think I had a baby face all the time from the way women squee’d when I wore it down like that and channeled my ‘early Johnny Depp’. The worst part of that hair was not washing it for days and days at a time. Months, even. After a while, it starts to bleedin’ SMELL. I mean, holy hell! MAN!

*shudders*

Now, Balian had nice hair, for a blacksmith cum knight/engineer/saviour (did I say ‘cum’??? heehee!). Cleaner than Will’s, (which is kinda odd since Willy was somehow ALWAYS wet and Balian lived in the desert) but not as clean as Drew Baylor. Drew had that nice, snuggly, soft white bathrobe with the clinky beer in the pockets, and a posh hotel room with unlimited hot water, not to mention all the complimentary little tiny cute bottles of shampoo and conditioner and the neat clear plastic shower cap to keep him dry if he just finished having a heated phone conversation and wanted a quick wan—I mean a fast rinse off without having to get his hair wet.

How about the Joe Byrne look? Just a beard away from Jimmy ‘The Calcium Kid’ Connelly. Lots of curls, short enough to wash and go, but still enough to sink your fingers into. Not like the jarhead look that Todd Blackburn had—talk about wash and go hair! I had more hair back then on my bollo—

*Ahem* Nevermind. I think my mum might be readin’ this.

Let’s get back to the hair, shall we? You want soft, touchable hair? Paris the Trojan Prince is where it’s at. Curly everywhere, no grease, let the wind blow like a hurricane and it still looked bloody AWESOME. Your girlfriend will be REACHIN’ for the Trojans if you have hair like Paris.

Eric and Brad used to get yelled at all the time for touching their Troy Boy hair, but not me! Aldo. he’s the hairstylist we had, he would sit me in the makeup chair, adjust all my little hairclips here and there, rub my scalp for a few minutes (that felt fuckin’ GREAT!), and then he’d take my chin in his moisturized palm and look deep into my eyes and just SMILE! Then he’d nudge me outta the chair, and he’d pat me on the bum and send me out the door.

Well, yeah, I suppose it WAS more like a squeeze than a pat, but still....

Eric called him the ‘Hair Nazi’. He does a pretty good imitation of Aldo saying, “Eric? Did you wash the hair? I TOLD you not to wash the hair! How can I work with this? Look at this!” He does all the hand gestures like Aldo and everything. He’s awesome. Eric, that is. Aldo’s awesome too, but Eric, he’s the BEST.

Oh. Wait, where were we? That’s right. HAIR.

If you want the softest hair, the MOST TOUCHABLE HAIR, always looking good without appearing to take any effort, ready to go from the footie field to the Oscars in a moment’s notice, you need Legolas Greenleaf hair. That stuff is self-cleaning and never gets out of place. Women just fall all over themselves trying to touch it. (Of course, with Legolas, touching would be a COMPLETE bung-up.) Legolas could fight off a thousand orcs, climb a tree, run a hundred kilometers, pick a dozen berries to go with his lembas for lunch, gather firewood, hunt down a flock of crows—oops, I mean crebain —, duck into the bushes, avoid the roaming hands of four hobbits/a wizard/a dwarf and oneTWO men, and still be ready to go to the Coronation in less than three minutes flat.

(Of course, don’t tell anybody, but Legolas was wearing a wig.)

Hey, Harris? Maybe you could just try some coconut shampoo and conditioner. That might do it, mate.

Yeah.

Date: 2007-04-04 04:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stormatdusk.livejournal.com
Your girlfriend will be REACHIN’ for the Trojans if you have hair like Paris

Orlando! You are funny, dude! I'd love to see you do some more in comedy. Loved you in that appearance on Extras, by the way!

I think you're safe ignoring Eric as far as hair advice. Have you seen that blond mullet he used to have? Hector looked better after Achilles dragged him back to the beach! *cringes*

Personally, I'm still trying to figure out why you would even want to avoid the roaming hands of the men of the Fellowship if you even tried. But that's just me.

Great hair advice!

Date: 2007-04-06 03:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
*O.O at your icon*

That Extras bit was fun to do! I loved taking the piss at Johnny. He's a great guy, man. A really great guy, terrific to work with and all. "I have scissors for hands"! "Johnny Who?" *snickers*

OMG, that mullet! "Poider" is one of the most awesome characters Eric's ever played, y'know? He looks so different with that bloody wig on! Have you seen him telling the story of Snow White with the Barbie doll and the trolls? *rotflol!*

It wasn't ME avoiding the men, luv. It was LEGOLAS. The dude was one serious badarse warrior, man. Seriously.

Have a good hair day!

Date: 2007-04-04 05:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nurseowens.livejournal.com
Coconut shampoo hey? Must smell nice! Not to mention easy to run your hands through...See now I'm doing it too!

Balian's hair must have looked nice but how did you keep it from curling? That Balian dude must have taken ages in the bathroom in the morning!

Date: 2007-04-06 03:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Yeah, coconut shampoo makes your hair smell just like coconut. So awesome I have to make sure I don't lick the bottle when I get all carried away with my eyes closed and all, y'know? Ewww.

Balian? One of those electric hair irons. You should get one! Just make sure you unplug it when you turn it off--let's save the planet, yeah?

Date: 2007-04-04 07:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] illuminated-sin.livejournal.com
So wouldn't you say your hair right now is more similar to Drew Baylor's than to any of your other characters' hair?

Did you keep that snuggly bathrobe, by the way?

Do you have clinky beers in your pockets right now, as you read this? o_O

And what if Harried in Harrisburg meant the other hair after all? ::is scandalized::

Date: 2007-04-06 03:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Right now I have "bed-head hair". That's what happens when you have an absobloodylutely awesome night of drinking and dancing and partying with all your friends in celebration of finally doing the last bloody take on your latest film, and you wake up in a bed somewhere and find out your pirate hair has 'walked the plank' and you now have hair artistically crafted during the night but bloody hell if you can remember who exactly did it.

Though I DO have my suspicions.

And, yes, I did keep the bathrobe. But the ale is on the desk here by my computer. Didn't wanna spill any, yeah?

Harris can use the coconut shampoo on ALL his hair--it just doesn't take as much, y'know. *gigles*

Date: 2007-04-04 07:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] raphaha.livejournal.com
Dear Orlando,
thank you so much for your inside information and hair advices. But are you sure that Legolas was wearing a wig?? *faints* Oh no, who would have guessed? Not me!

Your hair looks always so fluffy and shiny, do you use coconut shampoo and conditioner too?

Date: 2007-04-06 03:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Dear raphaha,

You are most welcome, luv!

Be careful telling about that wig. He's a bloody amazing archer, and you never know when an arrow's gonna come pinging outta the air in your direction, yeah?

I use mostly Pantene myself, but when I'm working, it's whatever the stylist uses. Sometimes they're picky, like Aldo, and you have to use whatever they tell you to. Mostly you just hope they'll just let you wash it!

Date: 2007-04-04 11:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] encelade2.livejournal.com
Aaaah,your finaly have been told that there are NO polar bears down South!
About time,sweetie!:DD
Now,I have an important question:I'm dying to hear more of Joe's beard.It seemed so smooth and silky and harmless.My man's one is just scratching my jaws to the bone.I do love him,but I love my skin as well,so help please?
I'll send you home made coockies.
PS: don't be too upset with Bast,wouldn't you have made the trick first,given the chance?
He knew,you didn't,you've been caught out.That's life.
PPS:say hi to Vig.;)

Date: 2007-04-06 03:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
I've been taking the piss for a bloody week now about the polar bear thing. There are certain PEOPLE who just won't let that alone! *glares at certain people*

Awesome question about the beard! I think I'll save that for a weekly question--I know, that can be a right irritating problem to have!

And yeah, I'll get Bast soon enough, yeah? *snickers*

Hi Vig! ;-D

Date: 2007-04-06 03:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] encelade2.livejournal.com
*Hi Vig!*
Mwahahahahaha!
You catch me on this one,brat!
But I'm a bad loser,I keep my delicious cookies.Ah!

Date: 2007-04-04 12:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tularia.livejournal.com
Troy. Buff men in skirts... *stares off into space for hours*
.
.
.
.
.
Oh wait, where was I? Yes, your hair in Troy was something to engage the fantasies of women (and men) the world over... do you still have that blue 'robe' thing? I'd really like to see you in it again... although out of it was much more enticing... *wicked grin*.

Date: 2007-04-06 03:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
*stares at your icon*

Is that a THONG?

Ow.

No, the blue robe belonged to costuming. I had to give it back. I've still got that posh white one of Drew's, though. *raises eyebrow* I'm begining to think you might be one of those naughty girls my mum told me about, yeah? *winks*

Date: 2007-04-06 12:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tularia.livejournal.com
*bats eyelashes*

Who? Me?

Nah... I'm a good girl...

Most of the time...*G*

Date: 2007-04-04 03:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eenoogje.livejournal.com
Dear Orlando, I am so happy that you're on my flist. I have horrible hair sometimes. I am so going to try out the coconut shampoo!

Date: 2007-04-06 03:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Dear eenoogje,

I'm so happy you're on my flist too! *squee!* Aw, luv, I'll bet your hair is just beautiful. If the coconut shampoo doesn't help, try some Pantene. Or ask your stylist, they always know what to do, and they have bottles and bottles and bottles of stuff for hair. All kinds. All kinds of bottles, that is. For hair. Yeah.

Date: 2007-04-04 10:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] doylebaby.livejournal.com
Aww now don't be too upset with Bast it was just a joke! I bet you play tricks on him as well when you get the chance.

Now I loved that Paris hair, so that would do the trick for me. I appreciate you sharing all your hair secrets with us! ;)

Date: 2007-04-06 03:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Bast has soooo bloody well got it coming. I just need to figure out what. *evol grin*

There's a reason I call him Bast instead of "Sebby".

I've got lots of "secrets" to tell, luv! Stick around! :-D

Date: 2007-04-05 01:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] admirabile.livejournal.com
THAT WAS NOT THAT FUCKIN' FUNNY, YOU BASTARD!

I hate to say it, Orlando, but yes, it was. :-)

Thanks for the hair tips! I am quite the fan of the Paris hair, and the Drew Baylor hair, and the Legolas wig HAIR. And the fin, and the faux!hawk, and the mohawk. Any chance you might be donning one of those do's in the future?

Date: 2007-04-06 03:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
Oh, sod off! I'm pretty sure I'm not the only bloody bastard who fell for that blitherin' joke, or there wouldn't be anything on the Southern Continent to make polar bear tracks WITH! ;-P

Man, I hope I'll be donning something soon besides strappy sandals, wet leather, and a quiver. No more period pieces for awhile! I'm getting callouses on my palms from all the sword acti--NOW FUCKIN' SOD OFF! I'M TALKING ABOUT THE METAL ONES!

Geez!



Date: 2007-04-05 09:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] andatariel.livejournal.com
Ohhhh - Paris hair! *gets tingling in fingers from dying to run them through it... and not just to nick the gold hairclips*

Coconut shampoo and conditioner - all you need is pineapple shower gel, and you become a lickable Pina Colada on legs... mmmmmmmm!

By the way, did you use hair gel to keep the faux!hawk/fin up, or had you been watching "There's Something About Mary"??? *grins*

Another question for you... did you wax your legs (or anything else) to look so super-smooth in the Troy leather mini-skirt?

Date: 2007-04-06 04:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
*smacks your hand*

OOOoooohh, yeah! Pina Colada! I gotta remember that....

Ahahaha! Mine's all hair gel, luv, but there's a wicked solution, yeah???

No, I didn't wax. I have hair on my legs, you just have to look closer than th--hey, wait a minute! How close WERE you looking, exactly??? ^.^

Damn, but that thing was short, wasn't it. Did you know the REAL Trojans fought nuddy? Brad wanted to do the whole bloody film like that, but there were just too many sharp props around for me. Plus I already look like a little namby-pamby-boy standing by Eric all the time--did you see the bloody arms on him??? Stonkin', man! No way was I standing beside THAT hulk without my kit!



Date: 2007-04-13 10:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stormatdusk.livejournal.com
NOT THAT FUCKIN' FUNNY, YOU BASTARD!

sorry, i don't mean to laugh at your pain, O, but this line really cracks me up still!

Date: 2007-04-14 03:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dearorlando.livejournal.com
There's a reason I call him "Bast", y'know....
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