Jan. 22nd, 2008

A Razzie

Jan. 22nd, 2008 12:42 am
dearorlando: (Will scowling)
I know what you’re thinking. Orlando, don’t be a stranger in your own journal, mate. Well, here’s what it takes to get me to sit down and type, what’s with the dyslexia and all.


A Razzie.

There I was, all a-twitter, when Lij IM’d me up and said I’d won an award. I mean, I was all excited after I got over the initial shock of the IM screen popping up like that, I still get a little jolt when I’m not expecting someone to ring me up—-well, not ring me up, exactly, more like pop up in my face like one of those old fashioned jack-in-the-boxes which makes me absobloodlylutely fuckin' jump every single time the bleedin' little clownfaced guy comes leaping out, even though I bloody well know he’s in there and the music says he’s about to come—

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah. Razzie.

So, I heard Lij moo when he came on—I had to change it from the doorbell noise to the cow moo’ing ‘cause every time somebody entered the door Sidi would jump up barking his bleedin’ head off and what with flying around all over the world and all the different time zones, the clock in my head is all fucked up and whatever and so my internet time isn’t the same as normal people, at least that’s how Lij explained it, and—

Right. Razzie.

Anyway, Lij says on the IM, Hey Elfboy! Congratulations! And I said, What are you talking about? and he says, You’ve won a Razzie! And I said, A razzle? Whassat? and he said, No, fuckhead, a RAZZIE! It’s like an OSCAR! And I got so excited I woke up my mum and my dog and I even dialed up my sister, who says


Dumbass.


While I’m sitting there speechless, she says, Google it, you plonker!

So I did.

A Razzie.

And I didn’t bloody well even WIN. I just got nominated.

So I’m sulking, and feeling like that black crap on the floor that you’d give anything not to kneel in while you’re making an overindulgence call on the Big White Telephone in the loo at the local pub, not the membership one but the one where you go when you want to be somebody else for the night. And who else should ring me but THE MAN HIMSELF.

That’s right.

The Wanker. Johnny Depp.

And he says, Hey Whelp! I heard you’ve been nominated for an award! And before I can make a joke out of it, he says the best damned thing I ever heard of. Feeds me the line I need to put things back in place.

He says, Remember what Ol’ Jack Sparrow would’ve said, luv. And you do the same.

So when people wanna take the piss because I’ve been nominated for a Razzie? I’m just gonna smile and say:



But you HAVE heard of me.

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dearorlando

June 2008

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