Apr. 22nd, 2007

dearorlando: (Wet Will DO)
Dear Orlando,

This is sort of a personal question. Well, a REALLY personal question. My boyfriend and I sometimes like to have sex in a more... unusual way. A more unusual PLACE, actually. We both enjoy it, but the lubricant we use seems to bother my skin. I end up pretty miserable for a few days after.

I was wondering if you had any suggestions for a really good product to try?

Signed,

Sick of Itching in Ithaca




Dear Itchy,

Well, Ithaca IS sort of an unusual place, I guess. It’s really cool there. I mean, it’s tropical-hot sort of cool, y’know? But I’m still pretty sure people in Ithaca like to shag just like people all over the rest of the world do.

Y’know, as beautiful as those white sand beaches are, and as clear as the water gets, if you’ve got the grainy stuff in the wrong places, sex can be a very painful ordeal. I’m thinking it’s your LO-cation, not your LUBRI-cation, that’s causing the problem. There’s no dunes in Ithaca, so if you’re boinking right down on the beach, say after everybody with a room’s gone to bed for the night, you might wanna give the beach blanket an extra shake before you start rollin’ around. Maybe try a bedsheet instead. That’s worked for me before, especially if you’re the type to wriggle a lot while playin’ hide the sausage—

I mean, not ME. I don’t wriggle a LOT, just sometimes—

Oh, bollocks. Nevermind.

You could pick a spot for the missionary mambo up in the treeline, but the rocks are blitherin’ sharp and there’s really NOTHING unusual about that location, ‘cause you’re likely to have lots of friends up there. Not just the human kind (it’s a pretty popular place, since not everybody’s into the exhibitionist state-of-mind that screwing on the beach requires), but there are lots of little creepy crawlies up there too. Be careful— don’t kneel on a poor little gecko! They’re so cute!

If you’re planning on trying a vertical tango in the water, you’ll need to take some lube that isn’t water-soluble, something silicone based like Eros. You just gotta keep your head enough not to let go of the little bottle out there! Remember, no hanky-panky right at the edge where the little shallow waves are breaking. You might be thinking that nobody knows what you’re up to there, with the motion of the ocean covering up the perfume of your love potion, but if there’s too much turbulence, there goes the grainy problem all over again. If you’re standing up, you really gotta watch out for sea urchins— Maaaaan! those little fu— spiny things are SHARP! And it’s very, very painful when you step on them! You might just put your foot down right on one and BAM! The little spines just keep breaking off, they kind of crumble — OH MY GOD! What if you accidentally SAT ON ONE??! *shudders* Your poor nethers!

Whatever you do, don’t pee on it. People will tell you to pee on it, or have someone else pee on it. It doesn’t help for shite. It’s kind of sexy and all that maybe, but it does absolutely NOTHING for the pain. And it’s VERY, VERY PAINFUL, that. Save the kink for a less painful time, yeah?

I suppose Odysseus, King of Ithaca, wasn’t named Odysseus for nothing. Translate that, and it means “Son of Pain”. Wonder if he liked to have sex in unusual places too?



All I can say is stay away from sea urchins, man, that’s basically it.

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June 2008

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