dearorlando: (cold DO)
[personal profile] dearorlando

Dear Orlando,

I’m hoping one day to visit Antarctica. Can you tell us about your recent trip? Did you see any wildlife?

~~Chick Down Under


Dear Chick,

Oh, HELLYEAH!!!! You know that saying, “in every port”? Seemed like everywhere we stopped, people were happy to see us! We danced in the local bars, drank ‘til we puked, had a jolly nice time! On the nights we weren’t in port, the boat came fully stocked, and the captain and I got rat arsed and played chess, and I lost, so I had to do all the dishes, and did you know there wasn’t one single pair of rubber gloves on that whole fu—

Oh. You mean, did we see any WILD LIFE?

Uhm. . . yeah. We did.

At the camp we visited, my cousin Bast took me out behind the buildings to see some polar bear tracks. Couldn’t find the polar bear, though. It’s bloody amazing how those things are so big, but they can hide behind the smallest snowdrifts! All of a sudden the tracks just ended, like somebody’d swept them away with a broom or something. Bast said it was lucky for me that polar bears prefer fat like on seals, ‘cause those tracks ended right near the door to the hut I was staying in!

I’m not sure why he was laughing about that.

We got to see a colony of King Penguins. The mum and dad birds are about crotch high, stonkin’ huge, man! Bast wouldn’t let me go over and pet them, though. He said he promised my mum he’d look after the family jewels, I dunno why. They seemed really friendly. We did get to see the little baby penguins— they’re so CUTE!!! Did you know the dad keeps the egg in a pouch while the mum goes off to grab some nosh? I thought, that’s cool, bit of a reverse on the old diamond geezer trick, Mum bringing home the bacon while Dad watches the chicks, until Bast said the mum’s stay gone for THREE WEEKS. THREE WEEKS!!!! I can’t go without a latte for three days, how the hell do they make it THREE WEEKS??? I’d be positively peckish.

There were some Macaroni penguins too. Talk about having a bad hair day— what the hell is that orange thing on their head? I nicked some noodles from the casserole pan after lunch, but they wouldn’t eat it. I even left lots of cheese on the top! I’m not sure where they get macaroni out in the snow like that anyway. They were good and fat, so I don’t suppose they were starving.

I have to say that the worst part about the trip was that it was so bloody damned cold. I froze my fuckin’ arse off, and I don’t have much arse to begin with. I had to sleep with my scarf and my gloves and my Mad Bomber hunting cap on a couple of nights. Bast was right, though. It’s a LOT warmer under the covers if you take your clothes off first. He’s got bloody amazing body heat.

Make sure you take somebody hot with you. You’ll need ‘em.

Date: 2007-03-29 12:51 am (UTC)
ext_39773: (orlando fvcking freezing)
From: [identity profile]

Orlando you sure are funny!

Glad you had a great time with Bast... under the covers! 0_o

Date: 2007-04-03 09:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yeah, that Bast is a helluva lot of fu--Hey! Wait a minute!

I wasn't under the covers with Bast! I mean, I WAS under the covers, and I WAS with Bast, but I WASN'T UNDER THE COVERS WITH BAST!

I mean, like, shite, we're COUSINS, for fuck's sa--no, not for fuck's sake, but --HELL! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!


Date: 2007-03-29 06:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Make sure you take somebody hot with you

looks like bast took your advice there! see, your column is already clicking along. :)

if you know of any male king penguins looking for babysitting money, my 8 year old is pretty small for his age, and i could really use a little vacation....

Date: 2007-04-03 09:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I think Bast just wanted somebody along to carry all his bloody camera equipment.

I dunno any male penguins, but Hank's pretty good with kids--you want me to ask if he needs some babysitting money? He can be a bit liberal, and he's got a potty mouth, but he's bloody awesome at computer games and stuff like that. You just have to watch the people he hangs out with, if ya know who I mean... ;-P

Date: 2007-03-29 08:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Orlando, please take care of the family jewels. Not that you are maybe planning on having family anytime soon, but your "friend" Vig might not be happy if anything happened to them.

Date: 2007-04-03 10:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]


I DID almost freeze them clean off. Really. It was COLD.

Date: 2007-03-29 08:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm glad Bast was taking such good care of you, Orlando and someone hot is very useful.

Date: 2007-04-03 10:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Bast does TRY to keep me out of trouble. I do get the feeling he might have been trying to feed me to a polar bear, though. A bit co-incidental, those tracks leading right to my door like that and all....

Date: 2007-03-29 11:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Gosh, Orlando, I think BOTH kinds of wildlife sound like important aspects of the trip. You can't look at penguins ALL the time, right? So you might as well get mullered, get your arse kicked at chess, and then do dishes. :D At least you were having some fun, yeah? ;)

It was so kind of Bast to help you stay warm, and he's right, body heat works best without clothing in between. You stay even warmer if you activate the mitochondria in your muscles, which heat up as they move, especially the legs and buttocks. If only you and Bast could have found something to do to stay close to each other under the covers yet be active to move those muscles. That would really make you hot! :D Ask him about it if the situation ever comes up again.

Thanks for sharing stories about your trip with us, Orlando. I really enjoyed hearing them. :)

Date: 2007-04-03 10:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Well, I DID spend some time rubbing my legs up and down against the sheets, just a little friction, y'know? Of course, the noise I was making kept Bast awake, so he growled like a polar bear a couple of times and said to bloody sod's amazing how much he sounds like Sir Ian when he gets like that.

Getting mullered sounds like a good way to solve the heat problem too. Too knackered to party might just do the trick to make me more sleepy than shivery, huh?

Thanks for the advice!

Date: 2007-04-03 11:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You crack me up, Orlando. I think I *heart* you. :D

Date: 2007-04-04 12:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Awww, I think I *heart* you too, luv!

Psst! Shouldn't we be worried about [ profile] mr_illuminated finding out about all this?

Date: 2007-04-04 02:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
No, not really. He *hearts* you too, almost as much as I do. Shhh. ;D

Date: 2007-04-03 06:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Giggles so much it huts!
But thank's for such a picturesque description of your 'planet rescue' travel!
I think the penguins must still be laughing...:D

Date: 2007-04-04 12:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks, luv!

Bast took lots and LOTS of pictures. His book goes on sale sometime this summer, after the pieces get put together and the story gets written (and my manager figures out how to delete all the shots of me doing things she doesn't want anybody to bloody well know about).

I hope everybody buys a copy! Those penquins are absobloodylutely ADORABLE!!!
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